From: Kemi <support@WivesAgainstOringa.com>
Reply – To: support@WivesAgainstOringa.com
To: Adebayo <AdebayoJohn@zmail.com>
Dear Adebayo,
Do you remember when you had the perfect wife?
How she displayed her scabbed knees with pride as they were evidence of the many times she knelt to place balls of pounded yam coated with mouth-watering efo riro in your mouth. How about the times when, even though the bags under her eyes were as large and dark as agbalumo seeds, she opened her legs with a tired smile? You sadly took those days for granted, thinking she would always remain your beautiful and meek prayer-warrior-sex-acrobat-chef.
Then, bam! An Oringa hooks onto your wife and screams songs that contain nonsensical lyrics like ‘you do not need a man to complete you’ to her! Suddenly, she’s no longer the submissive woman you married. She has ideas now. She’s a fighter and a yeller and a complainer, and it makes you want to gag just thinking of her. The worst part is that because Oringas are invisible to men, you can’t see them!
But don’t worry; we’re here to help. In case you don’t know, Oringas are red-haired humanoids with eyes at the bottom of their square heads and a mouth at the top. Those pesky creatures weigh as little as a sheet of paper and are about the size of a microscopic closed fist. They cluster around where women gather to socialise. When a woman releases a complaint into the wind, the Oringa latches on to the tongue of the complainer with their claws that are ironically as soft and sweet as cotton candy to sing anthems of independence (complete hogwash in our opinion!) directly into the roof of her mouth!
According to Kabiru Boyega, head of the Department of Women’s Hysterics, one in every four women is a victim of an Oringa infestation—an amount that is on the rise. If you suspect your wife of harbouring these dreadful troublemakers, we strongly suggest you fill out this questionnaire and return it to us IMMEDIATELY!
Oringa awareness questionnaire.
Is your wife happy without your permission? Yes/No
Does she no longer believe that her life’s purpose is to cater to you? Yes/No
Does she have new friends? Yes/No
Does she no longer wear lingerie to bed, opting for comfortable nightwear instead? Yes/No
Do you ever catch her humming to herself? Yes/No
Does she no longer wait for you with red-rimmed eyes when you stay out late conducting “meetings”? Yes/No
If you answered yes to any of the questions, your marital home may be in jeopardy! HURRY AND SEND IN YOUR CONFIRMATION AND YOUR SHIPPING ADDRESS BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!
#
From: Adebayo <AdebayoJohn@zmail.com>
To: <support@WivesAgainstOringa.com>
Dear Wives Against Oringas,
Wahala dey o. Can you imagine that I answered “yes” to all the questions? Get the blaster to me as soon as possible.
#
From: Kemi <support@WivesAgainstOringa.com>
Reply – To: support@WivesAgainstOringa.com
To: Adebayo <AdebayoJohn@zmail.com>
Dear Adebayo,
You made a wonderful choice.
Kindly find in this package the Oringa Blaster 35000x, with NEW AND IMPROVED features like:
- Oringa Vision Goggles: Developed by our renowned team of scientists at the WAO labs, these goggles allow you to see the outline of the repulsive creature(s) crowded in your wife’s mouth! Goodbye, invisible Oringa!
- Improved pressure function: Our blasters squirt anti-Oringa matter from up to 27 metres away.
- Integrated rechargeable battery: The Blaster is now capable of up to 35000 shots. You can see where the name comes from!
- Quadruple amount of anti-Oringa matter: Open fire into your wife’s mouth with no mercy, and the Oringa will have nowhere to run!
- Fun design: Our miracle device comes in a kaleidoscope of polka-dot colours: red, blue, and yellow. Plus, it is designed like a water gun to enhance the masculine energy and adrenaline spike you will encounter when using it. Talk about fun and efficient!
For maximum efficiency, follow these easy instructions:
- Do you know what Oringas fear the most? Clowns.
- At the sight of clowns, Oringas become agitated, and some even go as far as jumping out of the mouths of the women. This is why, when the Oringa Blaster 35000x is in use, we strongly advise you to splurge white face paint on your face, wear a clown nose, and don the full clown regalia. If not, the potency of the device may be dampened, and you don’t want that, do you? But guess what? Just to make things easier, we’re throwing in a FREE clown nose along with your blaster!
- Ensure you use the Oringa Blaster 35000x following a weekend of intense pampering of your wife. The longer and more lavish the pampering, the looser the grips of the Oringas become, and the more susceptible your wife is to the blaster’s effects.
#
From: Adebayo <AdebayoJohn@zmail.com>
To: <support@WivesAgainstOringa.com>
Dear Wives Against Oringas,
Foluke smelt like freshly peeled oranges. She stood behind me at DJ Wyx’s silent disco while I pressed my waist into one soft, fat-bootied babe. For real, if anyone had seen the size of that ass, they would’ve wondered why I glanced at Foluke. But I did. And I told her she smelled nice. Foluke’s eyes met mine briefly, and then she fixed them on her shoes and said thank you in a voice so tiny that I had to lean closer to hear it. I loved that. As a short man, it’s not every day I meet someone scared to look me in the eyes. Throughout the night, I made eye contact with her just to savour the electrifying thrill of her looking away.
Besides, Ifeoma, the babe I came with, was smoking HoloVapes. Imagine! Why would a woman be smoking HoloVapes? Never mind that I smoked it with her; that’s just a thing men do with babes they don’t respect. So, Ifeoma was going to be a one-night thing. I had my eyes on Foluke.
Watching Foluke dance, if I weren’t paying attention, I would have thought she was standing still. She kept her hands rigid at the side and slightly swayed. But I saw her and knew she was the type of woman who could make anyone feel powerful—the perfect, submissive wife—a rare find in today’s generation. By the night’s end, I had her name and number.
I’m very smart, you see. From the looks of Foluke, with her plain clothes and genetically unenhanced body, I knew she was still a traditional woman, and all I had to do to marry her was get her pregnant. It wasn’t even hard; I just pretended to be a simp. I called her every day, bought her some gifts, and said a couple of “I love yous.” And four weeks later, she was in my bed. When the pregnancy came, I saw the relief in her eyes when I told her I’d marry her. Not only was my plan a success, but I also didn’t have to do any more simp shit—like give her a proposal or have a wedding ceremony. We just inputted our names into the marriage database, and boom, we had a marriage certificate.
Things became sweeter than orange juice after we got married! Because I could finally do whatever I wanted. I shoved that stupid lover-boy behaviour out of the window and showed her the definition of what it meant to be married to a real man. And with the things she endured, she proved me right that I had chosen correctly: the fabric of Foluke was weaved from only the finest wife material. See, even when I left her while she was in labour to smoke Holovapes, she didn’t complain. Even when she found out about the woman I lodged in a hotel two days after birthing Kunle, our son, she understood that I had needs. She stacked words within herself and never let anything slip.
Till the Oringa outbreak.
Foluke morphed into a nagging bitch with a mouth so quick to bathe me in complaint after complaint. So, when your email came along, I screamed “Hallelujah” at the top of my lungs because I thought I had found the cure. If only I knew.
You took Foluke away from me, you fucking bastards! Your fake gun made her leave me!
I should have been suspicious when the blaster arrived ten minutes after I sent my response. But no, I innocently followed all your instructions, took Foluke on a staycation to The Prism Dome, oiled and massaged cocoa butter into her skin, bought her the latest transformable heels, and did everything correctly to ensure the Blaster’s potency.
And that night, when I wore the clown costume and told her we were roleplaying, she was more than eager because I hadn’t touched her since Kunle’s birth. Things were going well; she seemed to be enjoying herself. But after I shot the anti-Oringa matter into her mouth, she went berzerk!
She called me a selfish fool who used her as a sponge to mop up my insecurities. She said she hoped my dick would wilt off from STDs. Then she left me.
What could’ve gotten into her, ehn?
You see, I’m a very smart man, so I know the problem is from your too-good-to-be-true scammy, defective blasters. Regardless of what may have happened, you’ll hear from my lawyers.
#
From: Adebayo <AdebayoJohn@zmail.com>
To: Foluke <Foluke4none@zmail.com>
My dearest Foluke,
You know it takes a lot for me, with my strong head, to say sorry, but I’m stooping to your level to apologise. My darling wife, I’m sorry you found what I did offensive. You should know that it wasn’t my fault. I was only trying to save our marriage.
I’ll use this analogy to explain so it’s easy for you to understand: Imagine buying your favourite goat meat seasoning, which you love because of how the flavours subtly creep into the goat meat. Then, over time, you notice a certain saltiness from the seasoning that overshadows the goat meat flavour. Wouldn’t you want the flavour to revert to the original? That’s what I was trying to do! Your mouth was getting too sharp for my taste, and the Wives Against Oringas placed a fake solution in my hands (they’ve not yet responded to my emails, but once I get their physical office, I’m suing them). If I had known the blaster was defective, I wouldn’t have used it, I swear.
Best wishes,
Your Husband.
#
From: Foluke <Foluke4none@zmail.com>
To: Adebayo <AdebayoJohn@zmail.com>
How did you get my zmail address? If you try to contact me again, I’ll not only file a restraining order against you, but I’ll gonaked, hold my breasts in my hands, and curse you, useless man.
Rot in hell.
#
From: Adebayo <AdebayoJohn@zmail.com>
To: Foluke <Foluke4none@zmail.com>
Foluke,
Who do you think you’re talking to like that? Is it because I’m begging you? So you think you’re innocent? As if you’re not the one who abandoned me after the incident at the Dome.
Don’t be dense, Foluke. You should’ve known that without you around, I’d get lonely. Ifeoma texted me out of the blue and offered me a shoulder to cry on. How could I refuse? How is it my fault that she led me to sex? You literally VANISHED. How was I to know that you’d come back to pack your things while she was in the house? I’m disappointed in you. After all these years of marriage, you don’t know that the quickest way for me to get over sadness is through food and sex. I was trying to heal. I’m still trying to heal.
You are not a saint. Or have you forgotten when you said, “How could I have been so stupid to marry a fool like you?” and “Your penis will be the death of you.” You insulted and disrespected your husband, but I’m giving you another chance to do better.
In fact, you’re the one who should apologise to me. It’s just because I want you back, and I know you feel I’ve offended you. That’s why I’m sending this email to you. Come home to me. Yank those Oringas out of your mouth and stop acting foolishly.
Your Husband,
Adebayo.
#
From:WAO<support@WivesAgainstOringa.com>
To: Adebayo <AdebayoJohn@zmail.com>
Adebayo,
Foluke has informed us that you keep trying to contact her. It will be in your best interest to stop, that is, if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life in prison. We are well-connected people, and we would do anything to protect our kind. If you think we are bluffing, try us. We dare you.
Contrary to what you think, you’re not smart. The Oringas finding Foluke? That was part of our plan. The blaster showing up at your doorstep? Our plan. Ifeoma showing up out of the blue? Our plan. We will always be two steps ahead.
In case you aren’t getting the message: We are everywhere but nowhere. When you see a woman who runs away from her abusive husband, we’re there in the glint in her eyes. When you see a woman who starts a business so her husband doesn’t financially cripple her, you can hear our voices in the rustling Naira notes when she counts her money. In a woman who finally bellows after decades of keeping silent, we’re in the specks of saliva flying from her mouth. For every woman and every girl who wants to be liberated, we’ll be there, holding her hands as she sprouts her wings.
Come with your lawyers; we’d show them they’re even bigger clowns than you are.
Checkmate.
Signed,
Folaranmi, Kemi, Ibukun, Sophia, Cara, Kafilat, Dooyum, Sharen, Funmi, Foluke, Yemisi, Fisayo, Hauwa, Halima, Aisha, Margaret, and all the women from Wives Against Oringas, aka The Oringas for All Women Initiative.
END
